Lately I have been feeling a lot of pain. It is difficult to breathe when this happens. The grief takes over me and I just can’t do anything. How much ever I would like someone or something to help. I know its is my work to do. This has to pass through me and I need to give it time. What I also feel is passing is not just my pain. But the pain of my ancestors, my grandmother, my grandfather, my mother and my father. The loss of land and home that they have experienced. And I feel living far from my land . Loss of mother my mother faced when she saw her mother die giving birth to her 6th child. The loss of Mother I feel now as my mother’s death anniversary nears. The loss of family my mother must have felt when her siblings and she had to go to different homes and orphanage when their mother died. The loss of family I am processing still after 5 years of separation. After having to find a new apartment. Renovate it and make it a home for me and my children. The struggles that both my parents had when they were young when they left their homes to find refuge in Bombay. Seeking a better life. I guess that’s what I did too when I moved with my son and his father to berlin. The hardship that my father could never let go. the bitterness he felt and passed on to us. I can barely imagine what those must have been but I know he suffered. I feel it is releasing through me. When I feel the bitterness now, I recognise it and remind myself I have made it. I do have a roof over my head. And even though I had to do it myself It is a safe space for me and my kids.

My dad always told us you have no idea how lucky you are that you have a bathroom and toilet. We lived in a small apartment but he use to say you should live in the slums to know how lucky you are. I do recognise my privilege and I hope I help him let go of his pain even though he left this world after my mom in 2018. I feel the privilege and gratitude that I am living and breathing. That I survived the break up, the loss of my parents. The bicycle accident in 2022 that was fatal and lead to brain surgery. that happened one day before my flight to india. I recognize that something big is happening and i have to let this pass. I am here and I know that it is a privilege that may be my ancestors did not have. Either due to lack of finances or lack of medical support. And I let this pain and grief pass through me and it may take long. But I am here and I am breathing.